I’ve had the “irks” for about a week. Like, when the meteorologist actually got the forecast right and the 5 - 6 inches of snow were on my doorstep when I woke up yesterday.
It’s beautiful AND I’m over winter already.
Ma’am
“Thank you so much, ma’am.” the vendor said as I brought them to the destination where they’d be doing some work in my store.
This was the fourth or fifth time they had used that pesky term; “ma’am” in the brief 2-3 minute conversation. I know it’s their effort in being polite and it’s truly a part of rural northern Minnesota culture and it wasn’t meant to be hurtful. Still, I was irked.
I’m only 35
My hair was styled as “Space Buns” for the day and I was wearing a baseball style t-shirt. This is not the standard hair or clothing style of the 65 year old “ma’am” I imagine when I hear the term.
Do I have some wrinkles? Sure do!
Grey hairs? Yup!
Prefer to be in bed by 10pm? You betcha!
Regardless, I’m only 35!!
NOTE:
I know why these gendered terms are still used today; it is a traditionally respectful way to greet someone.
I see and understand the intent.
Using these terms doesn't make you a bad person and by all means, you're welcome to say whatever you'd like.
I want to highlight that using terms like, "sir" or "ma'am" with strangers is assumptive and exclusive.
I'm grateful to have learned how my gendered language use had an impact on people in my life. I didn't know it even mattered because I'd never considered a non-binary persons perspective until a friend shared their perspective with me. I imagine that is the case for many of us, so this is me sharing my learning with you.
Using more terms like, "friend" or "folks" when greeting strangers can be much more inclusive and relay the same level of respect as a gendered term. Learn more ways to be an LGBTQ+ ally here.
After a millisecond of annoyance when I heard the term, I took a few more seconds to find understanding that the vendor is truly just being polite and it’s not a personal attack on what I look like. And then, I took a few more minutes thinking about a new perspective.
When I think about the older women in my life, I see matriarchal figures that have…
Lived through and grown from challenging experiences
Prioritized being compassionate and loving toward themselves, and in turn were able to offer the same to others
Dug deep to find a fountain of power to hold themselves up on their darkest days
Chosen joy over resentment
Stood their ground to uphold their values & protect themselves and others
Found and exude a level of confidence that is palpable
As I considered this new perspective, I decided from now on when people refer to me as “ma’am”, I’m going to be grateful instead of irked.
They are simply recognizing the energy I’m putting out there. Although I’m only 35 and have oodles of things to learn in the next 35+ years, I am also grateful for the journey I’ve had so far that has allowed me to embody some of those same descriptions from above.
Shifting perspectives from “irk” to “gratitude” is hard. I really hate how cliche it is, but it’s true; with gratitude, there is far more joy and happiness each day than walking around feeling the “irk”. Here’s how I navigate that shift…
Awareness
I have to notice how I’m feeling and how that shows up in my body & mind to even begin shifting my perspective. If I don’t notice anything, then there’s nothing for me to change.
I can feel my shoulders rise just a little bit higher, like I’m bolstering for a full blown fist fight. I sense my heart beat starting to kick up a notch, even if it’s just one beat that is a bit faster than the others. I feel the tension in my jaw as I force myself to smile when I don’t really want to, but am conditioned to do so regardless of how I feel. It’s the internal dialogue saying, “Well, that was fucking awful / rude / outrageous / annoying / awkward, or ________.”
But, how do you stay in a place where you can be aware of the reaction you’re having and what you’re feeling?
It’s tough, but do-able and it’s critical to remember it’s about progress, not perfection. (This is me talking to myself, let’s be real y’all - ha, ha!) When life is really busy and I’m not intentional about my time and where I’m spending my energy, it’s easy to lose my sense of awareness. That means I’m much more likely to flounder attempting to regulate my emotions or be open to considering any other perspective than my own. I’ve found if I do just a few things for myself or my life each day, it’s much easier to stay aware and centered.
Working as an Event Coordinator means my hours are really inconsistent, and getting to a place of accepting that this ‘is the way it is’ for right now has taken some time. I’m not going to have a perfect daily routine that is identical day-to-day, and that’s okay! I’ve found small things like daily reading, listening to a podcast vs. radio on my commute and watering my seedlings has helped! And some days, I curl my hair or put mascara on because I want to, not for a special event or meeting. These tasks don’t always happen at the exact same time each day, but the task or habit itself happens.
If you’re aiming to become more in tune with how you’re feeling, I’d suggest starting out with some daily task that is just for you. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant like a venti soy latte or avocado toast (this is a sarcastic nod to my co-millennials), it’s something small that you know you’re doing for yourself each day.
Acknowledgment
Next, I acknowledge that my body & mind are sending me signals and allow the sensations & feelings to exist and flow through me. This is also easier said than done.
On a breezy day last fall, I woke up and found that of our three remaining chickens, two of them were gone. I was devastated because we couldn’t find them anywhere and I had to get to work. I knew I was upset, and I also knew I had 30 minutes to get to work.
I cried the whole way in.
Like, snotty sobs while gasping in gulps of air crying. I was just so sad that we had lost two more chickens to a fox (or other local predator). It’s a part of living in a forest, and the two that went missing had a tendency to fly out, despite all our efforts to keep them in the run. (Upgrades coming to the coop situation soon AND we only lost one that day, the second one came back that afternoon.)
All I needed to do was cry and let myself feel sad, while also validating that I am allowed to have feelings and be a human. Self-validating and allowing feelings to be felt makes space for what comes next.
Curiosity
Why did I just turn into a frilled-neck lizard?
What were the signals trying to tell me? What could have been different to prevent the irk? What information do I have, and what information am I lacking right now? If I were sharing this story with a stranger, what could their perspective of the situation look like?
Answering those questions, or at least working to explore what the answers may be, paves the way for empathy. If I were to try to describe what empathy felt like, I’d say this…
It’s the silk-like softness of sliding into fresh sheets on my bed. Or, the way the water clings softly to my skin while I’m slowly sinking into a perfectly warmed bath. A gentle calming energy rolls through my body starting from the center of my chest expanding outward and I feel my breathing slow down. Curiosity ultimately leads me to the opportunity to step back and evaluate before I react.
When I apply curiosity to the situation with the vendor, I imagine they were raised to call individuals that appear as a woman by “miss” or “ma’am”. And, to call individuals that appear as a man, “sir”. They were likely taught this starting at a very young age and it’s now a standard practice that is so ingrained in their daily activities. Malice or animosity never crossed their mind, they just may not know any other way to greet people.
Acceptance
I am constantly striving to eliminate my ‘absolute’ style of thinking. My therapist introduced me to “AND” in the sense that two things can be in conflict and both be true. This can be so frustrating to experience and it’s exhausting to find balance between the two.
There are two running lists in my brain, almost like I’m creating a pros list for each to determine which is the right, or the absolute thing. And as I continue building each list equally, I eventually realize both things are true and both are valid.
Being called “Ma’am” didn’t really take long to work through. My feelings of frustration or irk are valid, and they didn’t say that to cause harm. They’re doing something they’ve most likely been taught to do their entire life.
But there are other things that take days or months, sometimes years to balance.
And despite my poor little inner-Libra’s desire, sometimes things never find balance and I have to accept that in itself.
Gratitude
The universe is weird. Once I’ve processed something and finally accepted it, the reminders of the original irk are everywhere. Instead of a prickly trigger that provokes the irk, it becomes an endearing prompt.
Just one week after that vendor was in my store, a customer referred to me as, “young lady”, and I was filled with a warm sense of gratitude for the new perspective I’d gained the week prior.
Because all I wanted, was to say;
“It’s ma’am, to you.”
AND
A creative piece about the grief that comes with AND
Just three simple letters A word used millions of times a day So effortlessly and mindlessly expressed Connecting thoughts and descriptions together Telling stories and combining words to create visual contexts There is so much weight in the word A heaviness that introduces a new form of pain When finding oneself on the other side of a-n-d, The lens with which life was viewed is completely changed There is a grief that exists in the space between a-n-d Weaving itself around the letters and the spaces between them There are five stages they say; five stages to grief We make them into a linear process - organized for efficiency How quickly can we avoid the painful side How rapidly can we run from the inevitable growth How deeply we long for a previous era of ignorant bliss How profoundly we are changed regardless of our effort to stay stagnant Two things can be true - even if they conflict This is where the heavy, complex side of a-n-d sprouts When there is both joy in your aging loved one being out of pain and Heartache filled longing to hear their voice just once more When you can experience empathy for someone and Acknowledge that their behavior is hurtful When you can experience forgiveness for yourself and Cringe at the memories and moments you learned from Just three simple letters adding complexity to our existence Regardless of any conscious desires, grief forces us to make space for two conflicting things It welcomes the battle taking place in the seat of the soul One voice saying 'you can only experience one thing' and the other saying 'Experience both' Empathy explores the sharp edges of the pain, While pain studies the smoothness of empathy’s curves Resentment is threatened by joys’ light and airy flow While joy inquires about the tightly gripped bitterness in resentments grasp Acceptance is hidden in the shadow of confidence towering ahead While confidence reaches out to braid itself with the flatline of acceptance Fear fails to hide itself from the warmth of love While love embraces fear completely Skepticism glares in a side eye at curiosity While curiosity invites skepticism to come out and play Between each of these conflicting emotions is an energy flowing back and forth Giving more expression to one feeling, and then toggling back to the other The body is worn out - exhausted from the internal battle The mind slowing down - losing its ability to efficiently process The pendulum of navigating the distance between a-n-d swings And eventually slows Then stops This is where it begins to feel peaceful again When two conflicting things can be held in the same space The same breath The same lens Until we begin searching for AND again
Update: Sal the Spider
As I shared in my last newsletter; spider-like resilience, Sal is a spider that’s been chillin’ in our window for a few months.
Sal is between the glass window pane and our screen, so it cannot get to any food. So I figured out a way to get a fly into that space while not endangering Sal in the process. Later that day, I went to check if the fly was still fluttering around or if it’d been caught and I am happy to say, I got to see Sal eat the fly!
I got to see Sal eat the fly!
Never in a million years would I ever believe that I said these words, but here we are.
A few days later, I was googling questions about how often spiders need to eat. I was worried something was wrong. Sal, hadn’t really moved much for a few days and one morning, it was just hanging from a spindle upside down. I went back a bit later in the day to check and found that Sal had molted!
Spiders molt when they grow. Perhaps, that small little fly we gave Sal is all it needed for a final growth spurt. I’d like to think that I helped Sal grow just as much as Sal helped me do the same.
Perhaps you can tell by the first photo, we’re currently in “Third Winter” here in Minnesota.
I thought Spring of Deception was Actual Spring last week and we cracked the windows when it was in the 60’s - 70’s. [Insert Grimace Emoji Here]
Sadly, Sal hasn’t been seen since.
In the corniest way possible, Sal will live on in every spider I see now and I’ll be grateful every time it happens. That sounds like a gratitude-filled summer to me!