I’ve done a lot of work to embrace the idea that two or more things can be true and also differ, but it’s really tough to shake the exhaustion from what feels like living in two different and conflicting worlds.
One world is this deeply feeling existence. I wake up and feel the heaviness of the world settle over my skin before my eyes have fully opened. Heavy things like continued layoffs and Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, women in Iran fighting for their freedom and just this week, a massive earthquake causing extreme destruction to so many lives in Turkey & Syria. I’m barely awake for the day and I’ve already achieved cognitive overload.
By the time I notice the weight of the general “bleh” that seems to be human existence across the globe, I have get myself ready for a day of work. This is like a complete disassociation from my feeling world. In my work world, I disconnect and focus my energy on how to bring in revenue, build a business, increase profits, last minute problem solve and improve customer experiences and so on.
And all of that feels pointless.
When I’m thinking about the parents of lost children in Turkey & Syria, trying to come up with new floral arrangements for spring parties & events feels like a waste of time.
When I’m listening to a friend sharing their fears about being laid off, I find it so challenging to strategize how to increase profits month over month.
When I’m feeling a bubbling rage while listening to yet another woman in my life telling me her doctor isn’t listening and denying the pain she’s experiencing, while creating more hurdles for her to jump through to receive care; I have a hard time finding any fucks for evaluating pricing & creating a new menu.
Several years ago I told my doctor I was struggling with anxiety. I’m grateful I had a doctor that seemed to understand the importance of mental health, and she made a comment that just clicked.
“The brain isn’t meant to have this much input.”
I’d never thought about the brain like a computer or processing system until that comment. If I tried to download 100 files at one time, the computer slows down and takes time to complete the task. Hell, on some of the older computers I’ve used, trying to use more than one program at a time resulted in a blank screen and full shut down.
In the world where I deeply feel, there is too much input and I lose capacity to feel at all. I want to be the version of myself that deeply feels. I want to be authentic in my experiences and show up for other people in my life. I’ve learned how to prevent excess input by limiting notifications on my phone, reducing time scrolling on news or social media sites, turning devices completely off, etc.
But I still FEEL the world around me. And I’m tired. It’s exhausting oscillating between two very different worlds that don’t seem to have the same goals and objectives.
I’ve learned that in addition to eliminating the multitude of inputs, I have to include time that I’m just existing in my life and in the moment. And so I seem to have built myself a third world where I can just exist among the wildlife in the forest and play fetch with Oberon.
Or, I catch Rosa & Oberon taking naps by the fireplace and get mean-mugged by Sam I Am, our bossy chicken at the top of the pecking order.
A world where Rosa’s big attitude shows up when she lays on Oberon’s extra large dog bed like she’s the queen of this house. (We let her think that, but I am the queen here.)
Or, deciding I’m going to eat cake for breakfast because I like to go against societal norms. Who decided cake was only ever allowed to be a dessert anyway? And yes, I absolutely eat that cake straight from the container without cutting slices.
This third world is filled with joyful moments that counterbalance the cognitive overload from my feeling world. These joyful moments allow me to show up and find a few fucks about increasing business traffic AND making space to care for those in life going through painful, terrifying, hard things.
For me, just being is productive rest. In most cases, just being results in the largest input of joy. And that kind of input is something I think we can all receive a little bit more of.
May this week bring you joy and productive rest in ways that restore your energy and fill your soul.