an unexpected guest
Diving into the gooey parts of having an impact + new thoughts on "discipline"
I’m writing a book. It’s a memoir of sorts told in stories and poetry and creative writing pieces. And I’ll be adding in the photos of the wildflowers that grow on our property.
I’m working on the title, but for now I just need to toss into the universe that it’s happening! Ya know, it’s along the same lines of “build it and they will come.” Except for me it’s “name it and it will happen!”
Upon writing these last few sentences, here’s what happened in my brain…
“A memoir? Really? People are going to tell you that you’re too young to have a memoir.”
It gets really fucking old telling this part of my brain to shut up. Sigh. 😑
Last summer, I had the opportunity to write a piece using the expertise & knowledge I have gained in my career. My article was going to be published by a third-party, not directly from my social platforms or my newsletter(s), but coming from someone else.
And that felt so validating.
I found a content call from another publication shortly after and I got to writing and they published me too!
Eeek! So exciting!
A big part of why I write is tied to my life tagline:
“I didn’t spend thousands on therapy to be silent.”
Because I think it’s exceptionally important to help other people feel known and seen wherever they are on their journey in this thing we call life.
I reflect on the times I’ve felt seen and it can be from the strangest of places. A random Tuesday afternoon networking call, a TikTok or an unexpected conversation in the middle of the work day about losing a parent.
It’s not just feeling like someone knows me, it’s also a key piece of “belonging”. It’s a sense of, “Oh my gosh, I’ve found my people!”
I love writing.
I write for myself, I have a weekly writing accountability group, I write on LinkedIn. I write for women-centric online publications. I write for both my newsletters and up next I'll be doing some writing for the local Farmer's Market!
I write for my local radio station and most recently, I wrote a piece for a brewery event series in our small town; Storyteller’s Sunday.
This week, I had TWO publications come out on Monday. 😮
Technically, one of them was published the Wednesday prior, but the announcement was delayed until Monday so my piece could be featured in both their blog AND newsletter. The other piece was announced Tuesday, delayed because of the holiday. And here I am writing yet another long-form piece for my very own newsletter.
Four major pieces all in one week - will the words dry up?
I do my best to write with vulnerability and authenticity. I’m a strong advocate that we must continue telling stories to one another as we navigate living in a world with AI. (Shameless moment of pride - everything I've written has come from my mind and is AI free.) But it’s also really fucking scary to be this honest on the internet too. It’s been a good practice of learning how to find inner confidence, be willing to be wrong & choose grace if when I encounter conflict. 🤺
Having third party publications means I’m opening myself up to hearing comments from anyone that stumbles upon the articles or posts. Comments can be left on the piece within the publication platform as well as their LinkedIn or the social media posts advertising the content.
I’ve spent too much time worried about what happens if someone is upset with what I’ve shared. I haven’t spent enough time thinking about what happens if someone enjoys it. Just the other night, I read a comment from someone thanking me for sharing my story. I didn’t think much about it, they were just being kind, right?
But then another person commented and pulled out all their favorite quotes. There were six of them!
And yet another person commented to thank me again saying, “This is such a special message.”
Naturally, I started sobbing.
This is it y’all. This is living!
I don’t need to be a ___llionaire of any sort.
I don’t need to be famous, a local celebrity or an influencer.
I don’t need a bigger home than I currently have, and I don’t need “more” stuff just for the sake of having it.
What I have needed, what my soul has longed for, what I have deeply desired my whole life has been, and will likely always be; connection & a sense of belonging.
I’ve been lucky enough to have an incredibly supportive community, and even luckier to meet some really amazing humans that have made space for me to be myself.
I realized that in putting my words, my thoughts, my experiences, learnings and life out there for others to witness, that is serving as a tool to continue cultivating a supportive community. And, it’s providing the opportunity for others to find this supportive community too.
I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than I am right now, and I’m living in the most uncertain timeline of my life by choosing self-employment & farming.
(Am I a masochist? Or just passionate and chasing my dreams? Perhaps both. 🤔)
Mixed in with all this joy and happiness swimming through my body is also a dash of grief. It’s a really strange vibe and I’ll be honest, I haven’t finished processing it all.
I feel like I’m floating as I walk into the fleet store to buy mealworms for the chickens and when I play with Oberon after work, I carry no sense of dread, guilt or disappointment about my day or the way things are going in my life. Even on the days when I burn the chicken.
Simultaneous to floating down our dirt road during our daily family walk, I feel like I’m carrying a weighted blanket over my shoulders too. The weighted blankets name is grief.
On the outside looking in, grief seems out of place and like it’s shown up at the oddest moment. I am no stranger to grief. We’re besties that go way back.
I know exactly why grief has shown up in this moment and it has every reason to be here and exist within my body. I’ll let it. I’ll feel it. I’ll navigate it. I’ll grow.
See, emotions are part of a constantly expanding range. Consider the common phrase, “the higher you climb, the farther you have to fall.”
It’s a great one-line summary of emotions.
I’m over the moon excited about this chapter of my life. I am happy. I love myself. I’m brimming with creativity and joy. It only makes sense for me to find new caverns of grief too.
Grief politely knocked on the door and said, “Hello. I have big feels to share with you!” So I welcomed grief to take a seat and tell me what brought about these big feels and it said…
“What if you had believed in yourself sooner? What would your relationships be like if you stopped wearing 36 different masks to survive past seasons of your life? Or, what would your crop production be if you took the bet on yourself just one year earlier?”
I sat there with grief and it continued on, “Aren’t you going to lose relationships through this transition? What are you going to do when you have to choose between saying yes to a friend or saying yes to your business goals? What if none of this works and you lose all this time that you could have been advancing your career?”
As if those punches weren’t enough, it had even more to say:
“What do you think life would have looked like if you had someone like yourself providing validation, comfort, space for emotional exploration and a sense of belonging during your formative years?”
I’ll be sitting with grief for a while, giving it space to inspect each new cavern that has come to exist from dancing & floating hand-in-hand with new levels of joy.
So yes, at 36 I will be writing a creative storytelling memoir of a book and it will be raw, vulnerable and authentic. And I hope that it will help others feel seen, known and provide them with a sense of belonging in this wild world too.
Disciplined in….
I’m struggling with choosing discipline as the word for my year. It’s a very ‘tactical’ type of word, and it usually comes with some practical and physical change.
I’m not interested in chasing discipline in ever facet of my life, but I am interested in becoming more aware of where it shows up in my life and learning from those experiences.
My 2024 motto has become, “do it scared!”
And I find discipline wrapping itself up between those three words all the time. The more I show up scared, the less scared I actually feel.
It’s been just over three months since I launched my freelance business and started doing things with anxious butterflies in my stomach.
I got up on stage for Storyteller’s Sunday at our local brewery and read a 15 minute story about my life this week. You’d think this would be terrifying. A group of 30+ folks, mostly strangers, some friends staring up at me on stage spilling my guts in a story of resilience and self-love.
But I wasn’t scared.
Is it because I’ve “done it scared” enough times to get comfortable being uncomfortable? Or, is it because I’ve unlocked a new layer of confidence in myself? Is it both?
Perhaps that’s the lesson discipline has to offer this month:
Adrianne! We need to find a time to connect since I’m on a very similar journey (now 70k words into my first draft of a nature inspired memoir), feeling weird about calling it a memoir 🥴 but ultimately motivated by connection and belonging, hoping it will help others feel less alone 😁
I can’t wait to read your book!